An Open Book?

Random ramblings from my (not so) glamorous career in public relations 

I recently read a book by a former presidential speechwriter. It was full of enough foibles, egos and bamboozlers to make you wonder how our government ever managed to function. But it was also pretty funny. And it got me to wondering if I might have enough material from my communications (AKA public relations and public affairs) career for a book. Some of the highlights might include:

At a major automotive company:
- I served as a technology executive’s speechwriter and created the first-ever international vehicle press kit when I knew nothing about cars (and still don’t).
- I had the “honor” of being one of few women to attempt control of a microphone for angry stockholders at two annual meetings. I got chosen because I was a “nice girl,” according to the meeting organizer.
- I received one of those pink telephone message slips asking me to return a call from the CEO. Now, that was terrifying.
- I was told by a university representative that planning for that CEO’s speaking engagement there had been worse than organizing a visit for the president of the United States.
- I once had a performance review by a boss so eager to catch a flight that he just checked off a bunch of boxes on the review form and didn’t even read it. Needless to say, it had no relevance to my actual performance.
- I was asked to sit in on meetings with the executive management team so that I could rearrange their nameplates when they took a break, thereby changing the seating arrangement. I think we used to do this in second grade.
- I received a final payroll check for .01.

At a major food company:

- I spent the early part of my career defending the company against a concerted and thorough anti-biotechnology campaign by a national activist organization. I even followed several activists around town when I learned they were up to something near the corporate offices that ultimately involved rappelling.
- The late 60 Minutes curmudgeon Andy Rooney hung up on me when I didn’t agree with him that toaster pastry fires were funny.
- I was assigned to get more national media attention for the CEO, who wasn’t exactly thrilled with the prospect. He eventually got a presidential appointment, so something worked.
- I had to come up with media statements defending the company’s use of sugar in children’s cereals, a perennial “favorite.”
- In my spare time I would use a keyword search to find trademark violations for the trademark attorney, whose office was next to mine.

I planned this big luncheon and was sitting on the right in royal blue minding my own business when the president of the division decided to recognize my work with a very public kiss.

At a major pharmaceutical company:

- I was able to book the governor to speak to our workforce and she had to wing her remarks because her wing man forgot to bring her speech. I have a cherished photo of the governor and I cracking up afterward.
- I was asked to book Notre Dame football legend Lou Holtz for an employee event in Indiana and had to ask who Lou Holtz was.  Oops.
- I was kissed by the division president in front of an entire workforce at a major luncheon. Eeew.
- My greatest media moment came when I learned press coverage of a drug’s 100^th anniversary had attracted 350 million media impressions. This despite the fact that the press kit generated by the PR agency included the misspelling of the drug creator’s name and had to be completely redone at the last minute.
- My draft press release concerning a major workforce downsizing was mistakenly speed dialed by a secretary to the local newspaper instead of the company executive who was supposed to approve it.

And other random vignettes:

- I originally wanted to be a flight attendant and got hired by a major international carrier until a fuel crisis cancelled my training permanently. But never fear, I finally realized my dream and became a flight attendant at around the age of 60. The training was nightmarish, with the showing of a crash film on what should have been an upbeat graduation day. I lasted about five minutes in the air, deciding that a potential emergency landing shortly after earning my wings was a sign that I needed to be grounded.
- I spent a crazy month in New York City after college graduation trying to establish a career as a model. I was accepted by one of the top three agencies at the time, but ultimately decided that if the painting of a turkey to enhance its color was the highlight of my stay, then I better not stay. Still, my agency didn’t give up and was able to convince a fashion magazine to come to my hometown and shoot me for the college issue. Somebody said I looked like Ted Kennedy in the photos.
- I was hired for one job primarily because I was a Sagittarius. One of my friends nearly didn’t get hired because she was a Scorpio.
- During college, I worked as a housemaid in a Scottish hotel and spent the first few weeks just trying to understand the Scottish-brogue English. Later, I worked temporarily with the British subsidiary of the major automotive company and had a lot of problems with spelling (centre instead of center, for instance) and verbiage (such as “boot” for a car’s “trunk.”) The company ultimately sent me on an assignment to visit their PR offices in several European countries. I had no maps and was driving a tiny car, which might have even been a stick shift. I will never drive on the German Autobahn again. Ever.

Hmm, I’ll have to mull this over a little more and I need a catchy title. Right now, the best I can come up with is Retire Before You Figure Out What You Want To Do When You Grow Up.